Book Club Guide To That Book Taylor Swift Was Holding In That Photo

By Michael Kun

                A Baby Under Each Arm has become an international bestseller after the publication of that photograph of Taylor Swift picking it up off the floor of a Barnes and Noble. The one where she’s wearing that cute black top with the spaghetti straps and that flowy cream-colored skirt.

We are thrilled that your book club has chosen to read it. 

                Please let this serve as a guide to your book club’s discussion of this important work.

The author has acknowledged that A Baby Under Each Arm, his first novel, is based upon his own harrowing escape from his war-torn homeland. How does that autobiographical element impact the reader’s approach to the book?

                Okay, let me say this. When I first heard that Taylor was dating a football player, I was like, A football player? Girl, are you crazy? Isn’t that the very type of guy that used to make fun of you growing up? Isn’t he the antithesis of everything you sing about?

But then I was like, People grow, people change.  Know what I mean? 

She’s not the same person she was in high school.  He’s not the same person he was in high school. Hopefully.

                Plus, he’s a super handsome guy. Tall, with a great smile. I bet he doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him. And he seems like a nice guy, so maybe he wouldn’t have made fun of her if they went to high school together. Maybe he would have been like that guy on the cover of that book Beyonce was photographed holding a couple years ago on the beach in Monaco. Remember that photo? Beyonce looked stunning in that photo, right? Oh my God, that dress! It looked perfect with that book cover! Queen B! 

                So I say, let’s give them a chance. Taylor deserves love just as much as Beyonce, right? 

In Chapter 3, as he enters the orphanage as it’s under attack, Tomas realizes that he can only carry one baby under each arm. He chooses Anna and Felipe, leaving Salome behind. How does his torment over his choice drive his decision years later to experiment with heroin?

                I have to admit that I’m still struggling with this more than I should. I think it’s because the guy plays for the Kansas City Chiefs.  Know what I mean?

                It’s like, Kansas City? Right?

                It’s not even in Kansas. Did you know that?  Kansas City is in Missouri, a completely different state with its own governor and stuff! That makes no sense at all.  Kansas City should be in Kansas. The place in Missouri should be called Missouri City, or something like that. Right?

                Anyway, part of me is like, Girl, you’re a superstar. You deserve the best. You shouldn’t be dating someone from Missouri City.  You should be dating someone from the biggest stage of them all, New York!

                I’m sure there’s someone who plays for the Jets or the Giants that you could date.  How great would that be? (Answer: so so so great!)

                And how about a quarterback instead of whatever position this football guy plays which even I know isn’t quarterback. 

                Don’t settle, Taylor.

                I mean, you’re Taylor!

When Tomas is shot in both legs as he climbs the chain link fence to freedom, with Anna under one arm and Felipe under the other, he screams out his mother’s name. In that moment, is Tomas forgiving his mother for sending him to work in the salt mines at age two or cursing her for his missing toes?

Names are important. I think we can all agree on that. Names mean something. So let’s talk about that for a second.

                They’re called the Kansas City Chiefs, right?  The Chiefs?

                Excuse me, but it’s 2023. It isn’t 1823 or whenever. Isn’t that name offensive to Native Americans? And if it’s offensive to Native Americans, why would Taylor associate herself with someone who willingly calls himself a “Chief” – and gets paid for doing it? That’s selling out.   

                If she was dating a Jet or a Giant like she deserves, no one gets hurt, right?  Okay, maybe some super tall people are offended by the word “giant,” but get over yourselves. If you’re seven feet tall, you’re a giant. Own it.

                So part of me feels like Taylor is condoning the whole “Chiefs” thing just by dating this football guy. And that’s wrong. 

                Another part of me feels like Taylor should use her voice to say, “This cannot stand. You must change the name of this football team right now or else!”  She doesn’t even have to say anything after “or else.” They’ll know what she means. 

                But then I remember that she doesn’t own the football team and probably had never even heard of them before she met this guy.

                Plus, 0% body fat.

Before the veterinarian removes the bullet fragments from Tomas’ thighs, he convinces Tomas to set Anna and Felipe down in a pen with several stray dogs, not knowing that the dogs are rabid. How does that affect Tomas’ later decision to stop eating red meat?

                As we all learn in our own lives, the decisions we make – and the decisions we don’t make – often come back to haunt us. After all, aren’t we really nothing more than what our choices have made us? We can never escape them. They are a part of us, just like our corpuscles and our veins.

                Like the time we bought that book that was sort of over Gwyneth Paltrow’s left shoulder in that picture of her at Target in Sherman Oaks.

                Remember how we felt when we learned that Gwyneth Paltrow shops at Target? I mean, we were all like, She’s just like us!  We’ve got to get that book right now before they sell out!

                Then we found out that it was photoshopped, and that she was really in Sicily buying olive oil.  Well, not really “buying it” per se. More like they were giving it to her because she’s Gwyneth and it was only like $25 a bottle in Italian money, so they could afford it.

                Remember how stupid we felt for buying that book?

                Remember how it haunted us and became a corpuscle?

                And then the movie came out that was based on that book? With Vin Diesel. Vin Frigging Diesel?

                Horrible.

                Shivers just went up and down my spine.

                Choices, right?

In Chapter 12, Tomas learns that Salome – the orphan he left behind because he only has two arms – is actually his own child, born after his tryst with the wife of the salt mine foreman on the day he turned 18. Was there anything in Chapter 3 to suggest that Tomas suspected Salome might be his child when he made his fateful decision?

Let me say this: We all love Taylor – love! -- but does anyone else find it just a bit, um, odd that she’s already hanging out with this football player’s mother after dating for a couple weeks?

                If you start dating someone and he says, “Hey, I want you to meet my mom” after a couple weeks, that’s a huge red flag in my book.  I don’t know about you, but I’d be like, Weirdo! I’d so ghost that guy. Buh-bye, weirdo! I’ll see you and your mommy again in a billion years.

                So if Mr. No Body Fat said to Taylor, “I want you to meet my mom” after they’d hung out a couple times, shouldn’t Taylor have done the same thing, regardless of how much body fat the mom has?

                Sorry, but this seems so peculiar to me.  Maybe this guy is a real momma’s boy, which is not good, long-term or short-term.

                Maybe you should run, Taylor.  

                Fast.

                And not back to that last guy you dated. That British guy. Ick. (Not because he was British but just, well, Ick!)

In Chapter 28, when Tomas is beaten on the street and left for dead, did he recognize his attackers as Anna and Felipe?

Life is hard.  In college, we learned about a philosopher who said that life is nasty, brutish and short. I don’t remember his name, but maybe he had something there.

But here is one thing I learned and will pass down to my children and my children’s children: Never trust a guy with a mustache.

There are plenty of terrible guys throughout history who had mustaches. You know the big one I’m thinking about.  Evil!

A mustache is a way for someone to hide his true identity. You only learn about who they really are later, when it’s too late. 

Like that guy Sandra Bullock dated, the guy with the tattoos who cheated on her with the woman with tattoos.  He had a mustache, I think. It might have just been a tattoo that looked like a mustache.  But still.

Anyway, this football player guy on the Chiefs.  Take a look.  Mustache!

Enough said.

The doctor who treats Tomas in the methadone clinic as he is recovering from being beaten – is the reader meant to believe that it is Tomas’ long-lost daughter Salome, or is that Tomas’ imagination?

Okay, okay, okay, now people are saying this is just a publicity stunt and that Taylor isn’t really even dating this “Chiefs” guy with the mustache who is clearly hiding some mommy issues.   

I don’t believe that for one second. I mean, publicity for what? It’s not like Taylor needs publicity.  She’s Taylor.  

But I will say this, if this is just a publicity stunt, then this is the worst book I’ve ever bought. Ever.  And I’m including the Vin Diesel book.